Should I Stay or Should I go?

Lately I have been subjected to a roller coaster of emotions; constantly up and down and it is driving me a little bit insane.  In less than 5 months I will be packing up and moving to the Ukraine to serve 27 months with the Peace Corps. This is something I have wanted to do my entire life and what I am sure is best for my career but it is still incredibly frightening.

I have always been fascinated with exotic and far-away lands, and as a young adult who isn’t? My first taste of the world outside of San Jose, CA came when I was 17 years old and I went on a school sponsored trip to Spain. We spent 3 weeks traveling around the country, seeing historical masterpieces, and practicing our Spanish. I instantly caught the travel bug and desired to see more. When I began college at San Jose State University I was a Public Relations major, but that did not last long. I found myself bored with the course content and practical learning and found myself more enamored with the celebrity lifestyle often associated with working in PR.  Eventually, due to a series of events which I will not detail here, I became a Political Science major and spent a life changing year studying abroad in South Africa. That year abroad shaped who I am and what I want out of life in every possible aspect. Spending time in a foreign country with a very tumultuous history and an even more complex human rights record shaped my professional dreams and led me down the path I am desperately trying to follow now.  I want to work in International Relations. Specifically I want to work with women who are victims of Human Trafficking. So now, I have been accepted to serve in the Peace Corps, and while I will be teaching English to the Youth in Ukraine, I am confident that this is the first step towards the rest of my life and finding myself in a profession that leaves me feeling fulfilled and happy.

But I am scared. So very scared.  It is a huge decision and one that I find myself pondering every single day. One might say this is a red flag, and that I should be cautious of the knots I sometimes get in my stomach.  I would disagree with these skeptics because my doubts are fueled by the silliest of reasons! I know they are silly and recognize the childish nature of my fear of change but I still think about it constantly. I am not afraid of the changes I will undergo as I am confident that my life will be changed irrefutably due to the experiences I will have in the Peace Corps in the most positive of ways {mind you I also believe that positive changes could come about by the potential negative experiences I may have in the Peace Corps, i.e. I may realize that this is not the career path I really want}. My fears are surrounding the changes that will happen here in the U.S while I am gone. Will my friends get married while I am gone?{ I actually told my roommate and her boyfriend that they can’t get married while I am in the PC the other day} Will they have children? Will they forget about me?

While these are all valid fears and natural feelings for someone to possess before moving out of the country, or to a new town, new state, etc. the real silly fears and doubts I have come from Pinterest. Yes, I said it. Pinterest. I find myself browsing images of fabulously decorated apartments, townhouses, and loft spaces and I quickly realize I can’t do this. I cannot invest in the decoration of a home because I do not know where my home will be. And what’s the point of buying throw pillows and cute lamps when I will just be leaving everything behind in September. Then I read all of your fabulous blogs and I feel envy. Envy that you have apartments, dogs, boyfriends (I have sworn off dating since accepting my invitation because I am afraid of becoming attached before having to leave-- been there and done that with the whole cross continent relationship), and closets full of new and trendy clothes! I am constantly yanked back and forth by my desires to be a traveling soul and my desires to be a domestic, professional powerhouse. I Know these feelings are completely outlandish and I have plenty of time to settle down and make a home for myself, but I just can’t suppress these doubts completely.  

I’m not sure where I was going with this post; I think I just wanted to get these feelings off my chest. I guess I am just nervous. Plain and simple. It is a big decision and one that will change the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I am excited beyond belief and I wish I was leaving next month! However, I am still human and I cannot always refuse the stresses that work their way into the back of my head. Have you ever had to make a huge decision? One that would alter your life in a tremendous way? How did you deal with the roller coaster of emotions?