Well folks,
I am back. I have been away from this blog for almost 5 months and I apologize
for that. Back in September I packed up my life and hopped on a plane to
Ukraine. I now live in a small town in Western Ukraine and am having the
most incredible, albeit challenging, time of my life.
I started a word press blog to document my experiences but it is
targeted towards my family and friends. It strictly documents my weekly
experiences and does not get drastically personal.
You can check it out here
All posts are password protected because of Peace Corps
requirements but the password is Ukraine
However, now that I am settled in and trying to create a new life
for myself here I find that I am in desperate need of a place to vent about
life, love, fashion and travel. I have had some pretty rough days lately and
after lying awake AGAIN last night I realized that writing is a cathartic
experience for me and it may be necessary. So I have decided to pick back
up on this blog- but don't worry, I won't always be complaining.
Today I want to vent. I am frustrated because I feel like every
time I take 1 step forward in further developing myself I end up taking 2 steps
back. Recently I made a few stupid decisions when it came to drinking and boys.
Now I feel stupid, and lost, and sad. My friends say I am being to hard on
myself but I just can't help it. Last night I read this
article on Thought Catalog and one line really hit me hard.....
"I understand
that sometimes we get caught up in a moment, but I don’t want my life to be a
series of moments that cannot be sustained once the party is over."
After reading this
line I just sat and stared at the computer. I have made so many stupid mistakes
in my life and I really thought I had outgrown that phase of my life. Maybe we
never stop making mistakes. But does it ever get easier to deal with them in
the days, weeks, months, that follow? After I broke up with who I thought
was the love of my life I jumped in to a meaningless relationship that was
emotionally damaging. I have spent the last two years trying to deal with that
past. Deal with the break up with someone who made me so happy. Deal with the
breakup with someone who changed me in to a person I never wanted to be. And
deal with the reality of being single for the first real time in 6 years.
Recently I was in a really good place, I know I still am but I have just hit a
rough patch and need to push through it. I feel so happy in Ukraine. I have
made amazing friends and am doing things that are bigger than myself. I thought
that maybe I am ready for a relationship- I didn't meet anyone who I wanted to
pursue a relationship with but I was at least open to the idea for once. Then
something happened over a drunken weekend with friends and I wound up feeling
so stupid and so weak. It's not that I wanted to date this person, I absolutely
did not, but I didn't want to be treated like I meant nothing. It's a terrible
feeling and one that will take me a while to recover from.
Now I have to deal
with my decisions and face up to the consequences, whatever they may pan out to
be. But at the same time I am now once again full of self doubt and insecurity
wondering if I will ever meet the right guy for me. Maybe I missed my shot at a
perfect guy. I just don't know. Maybe I will never know.
