Wednesday, January 23, 2013

A Triumphant Return! Kind of...

Well folks, I am back. I have been away from this blog for almost 5 months and I apologize for that. Back in September I packed up my life and hopped on a plane to Ukraine. I now live in a small town in Western Ukraine and am having the most incredible, albeit challenging, time of my life.

I started a word press blog to document my experiences but it is targeted towards my family and friends. It strictly documents my weekly experiences and does not get drastically personal. 
You can check it out here
All posts are password protected because of Peace Corps requirements but the password is Ukraine

However, now that I am settled in and trying to create a new life for myself here I find that I am in desperate need of a place to vent about life, love, fashion and travel. I have had some pretty rough days lately and after lying awake AGAIN last night I realized that writing is a cathartic experience for me and it may be necessary.  So I have decided to pick back up on this blog- but don't worry, I won't always be complaining. 

Today I want to vent. I am frustrated because I feel like every time I take 1 step forward in further developing myself I end up taking 2 steps back. Recently I made a few stupid decisions when it came to drinking and boys. Now I feel stupid, and lost, and sad. My friends say I am being to hard on myself but I just can't help it. Last night I read this article on Thought Catalog and one line really hit me hard.....

"I understand that sometimes we get caught up in a moment, but I don’t want my life to be a series of moments that cannot be sustained once the party is over."

After reading this line I just sat and stared at the computer. I have made so many stupid mistakes in my life and I really thought I had outgrown that phase of my life. Maybe we never stop making mistakes. But does it ever get easier to deal with them in the days, weeks, months, that follow?  After I broke up with who I thought was the love of my life I jumped in to a meaningless relationship that was emotionally damaging. I have spent the last two years trying to deal with that past. Deal with the break up with someone who made me so happy. Deal with the breakup with someone who changed me in to a person I never wanted to be. And deal with the reality of being single for the first real time in 6 years. Recently I was in a really good place, I know I still am but I have just hit a rough patch and need to push through it. I feel so happy in Ukraine. I have made amazing friends and am doing things that are bigger than myself. I thought that maybe I am ready for a relationship- I didn't meet anyone who I wanted to pursue a relationship with but I was at least open to the idea for once. Then something happened over a drunken weekend with friends and I wound up feeling so stupid and so weak. It's not that I wanted to date this person, I absolutely did not, but I didn't want to be treated like I meant nothing. It's a terrible feeling and one that will take me a while to recover from. 


Now I have to deal with my decisions and face up to the consequences, whatever they may pan out to be. But at the same time I am now once again full of self doubt and insecurity wondering if I will ever meet the right guy for me. Maybe I missed my shot at a perfect guy. I just don't know. Maybe I will never know. 



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